Monday, February 25, 2013
Enemaniacs, so come, warm yourself by the fire and get ready to take in a cold-ass glass of vengeful revenge! It's Episode 53 and another live edition of TEC, with 1988's ski chalet slasher, ICED, about a suicidal skier that gets back at his tormenters the best way he knows how...icicles, hot tubs, snow plows and cocaine! Along for this wintery wonderland are as always, my co-hosting co-hosts, comedians/filmmakers TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE and special guest for January, Chicago-based comedian WILFRED PADUA! Expect toilet paper stuffery, carrot cutting, man butts and the soothing sounds of Chicago! It's the most snow nonsense episode we've had all year!
Episode 52 with another horrible holiday themed rousing addition of the LIVE version of the show! Since it was the December edish of the show, we gifted ourselves and our audience with not only our main feature, 1984 crazy kid French film, I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (aka HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS), but as a special Christmas bonus, we also watched 1994 straight-to-video nightmare, WE WISH YOU A TURTLE CHRISTMAS (watch at your own risk and for god sakes, be SOBER). Also, in appropriate X-mas fashion, myself, along with my co-hosts, KEVIN CLARKE and TRAVIS VOGT, precede to imbibe in much merriment (aka whiskey) in order to catch up with much merrier special guest of the evening, rapper/wrestler/performer/professional clown, JOSH BLACK (aka WXPFL's Ronald McFondle)! Expect puppy tosses, child endangerment, tater tot balls and several shots!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
|"...I don't have to believe in it to kill for it."|
|Xtreme breath leads to |
Xtreme sex, bro!
2. A pre-Scientologied Will Smith declared the decade the 'Willenium' and cemented this fact with the help of The Clash, Eva Mendes and the fact he still appeared normal at the time.
3. Inflatable plastic furniture and silver lipstick become all the rage! Ugh, shouts David Bowie!
4. Boy bands are back with a boner-inducing VENGEANCE. Thanks, Florida!
5. Finally, everything everywhere began kicking it into higher gear and going to the...XTREME!
Deodorant (Right Guard XTREME), soft drinks (Do the Dew, BRO!) and extreme sports (skateboarding, small bicycling and *ROLLAH BLAHDES)! But of course, of all these strange new inventions and ways of living, the most extremely extreme pioneer of all things to the limit on the edge of the breaking point was, obviously, none other than soft spoken non-leading man actor, TREAT WILLIAMS! That's right, Treat "Fairy-Tale-Theatre-Dead-Heat-Straight-To-Video-Softcore-Erotic-Thriller" Williams (as he's known in most social circles)!
|I've got a sweet Treat for you class!|
In case the plot isn't GLARINGLY obvious in it's entirety in the trailer, EXTREME LIMITS tells the harrowing, white-knuckle, bare-chested story of the not so world-renowned Dr. Maurice Hunter (John "Passions" Beck) and his daughter, plain-faced Nadia (Julie "What did you say?" St. Claire) who dabble in antiques (and possibly wilderness living/mountain climbing, this is never confirmed). After a nefarious organization of fleece-wearing terrorists finds out that Dr. Maurice is an expert in all things written from books of historical bullshit, he and Nadia are kidnapped by some gun-toting thugs who force the pair into aiding and abetting the bad guys to find a long-lost doomsday weapon thought to be made of only myth and legend. On a side note, now do you see what they did there with the main-ish character's last name? Maurice Hunter? You may have found it banal at the time, but now IT ALL COMES TOGETHER. Reminds me of how every time Stephen, Go-Gurt and I (I call George Lucas Go-Gurt, it's no big deal, just a funny pet name between college roommates, you wouldn't get it) have brunch together every third Sunday of the month and I'm always reminding them that my only real complaint about that Indiana Jones franchise was that main character's name. So plain! What exactly does this guy do? What is he, a porn star? Your neighbor? How about Indiana AncientArtifactFinder? Now there's a real action hero with a doctorate in archeology! I mean, come on, have some goddamn imagnation you lazy fucks! But, I digress.
|"Stand back! It's electrical!"|
|Finally, fashion you AND|
your much older Aunt can enjoy!
Alan: "...She got to see our Russian mafia quite accidentally. We machine gunned her mother to death."
Oh. Okay. That Russian mob. Always making HORRIBLE first impressions! Well, enough with this motley crue, let's get on with our safe, non-threatened trip home! The plane doesn't gets more than an twenty minutes or so in the air before a group of thugs takes control, the pilot is found out by the viewer to be in cahoots with the baddies and a bypassing plane pulls this sweet maneuver where it hooks a rig to the passenger plane in order to transport....wait a minute....this sounds super familiar...haven't we seen this very realistic terrorist scenario before? Was it in Bosnia? Russia? The Olympics? Oh wait...I remember!
That shit TOTALLY happened in CLIFFHANGER! In fact, this scene in EXTREME LIMITS not only reminds me of CLIFFHANGER, but it looks EXACTLY like the actual scene that is actually in CLIFFHANGER! Wait a second...isn't that Stallone's body double! Why are they transferring suit cases full of money that they didn't have on the plane before? Why does it smell like John Lithgow in here? Before your heads explode Enemaniacs, I did the cinematic scientific digging for you and turns out, by the magic of movie-making, several of the action scenes in EXTREME LIMITS are not only stock footage from other explosions and landscapes, but ALL of the major action sequences are clips ripped straight out of other, more well known action films. No, I'm serious. If you take moral issue with this Hollywood film-making technique, stop your DVD here. You have been warned. For those ready to rock, let us continue on our journey of enematic discovery!
|"Good thing I was wearing my microfleece."|
A. Attempt to climb down the mountain as a group?
B. Drink the remainder of the pilot's booze and "get to know" each other?
C. Talk about their dead spouses?
D. Talk about their dead mothers?
E. Attempt to fight a stalking grizzly bear with a stick and a syringe filled with liquid Tylenol?
F. Separate, have Nadia run off alone with 'Tesla's Death Ray' and a gun-toting thug on her trail, have the able-bodied passengers head down the mountain with the unknown terrorist spy pilot while leaving the remaining old people/diabetes sufferers behind at the stranded plane stalked by the killer bear?
If you chose any of the above answers, you were right! They do all of those stupid ass things! Eventually the able-bodied group dies in an avalanche (another scene straight from CLIFFHANGER), Dr. Hunter and his lovely widow turn each other on with sexy stories about their dead spouses, the scared old guy at the plane is killed by a bear, Nadia makes it to a cabin with the 'death ray' and opens some whiskey and the diabetic man is pretty much slipping into a coma. Then, wait, who's that guy, oh yeah, the "star" of the movie, Treat Williams shows up!
|"Sorry guys, I had to finish shooting|
the last episode of Everwood."
Neither the viewer or Nadia have too long to decide because before Agent Douglas can finish one of his patented gentle ribbings of Agent Ross, a helicopter starts to hella shoot up the cabin! Oh no, it's ANOTHER rogue government agent (Jesus, what is the screening process for these people?) Agent Ross acts quickly enough to save Nadia, but not the poor initial agent or his partner of who knows how long, sweet, puffy, old Agent Douglas. He's only allowed one more JFK conspiracy joke and then he dies of bullet wounds. Sad. Now, on to more borrowed action!
A helicopter and car chase from NARROW MARGIN! A train crash and bridge explosion sequence from A LONG KISS GOODNIGHT! In fact, the only quasi original material in any following scenes involve classic quips, of course! Here are some choice picks!:
Agent Ross: "...Who's paying their rights for the end of the world?"
Thug: "...Did you know the Chinese invented pasta? We thought they'd like to add this bit of chow mein to their arsenal."
Wow. I did not know that and okay!
When Nadia and Ross fall into the hands of the bad guys, they briefly think they will be saved by some government agents that show up and then, duh, they are bad guys too:
Terrorist Ring-leader: "...Are you Indian?"
Agent Ross: "...What does that matter?"
Terrorist Ring-leader: "...It matters if you're an Indian because they're with me, Chief."
Ha! I see what you did there! Sort of.
When Nadia asks what happened to the Tesla Death Ray after the bridge explosion:
Agent Ross: "...It's history."
Now that I'm thinking xtremely hard about it, I don't believe there is a better way to extremely recommend this extremely recycled action movie other than to mention the very important, top 10 moments where EXTREME LIMITS takes movie-making limits to the EXTREME, so here they are in the order I remember them!
|Mega rum raisin!|
2. XTREMELY RUM RAISIN MATTE LIPSTICK!: All the ladies wear it! In a movie borrowing everything from other movies, they also manage to borrow fashion from the '90's and $60 from the make-up and wardrobe department to go CRAZY in the Bartell's cosmetic section. Pharmacy store shopping spree to the XTREME!
3. XTREMELY LONG WAIT FOR THE MAIN STAR!: No, seriously. Where the fuck is Treat?
4. XTREME CLIP RIPS!: Right?! See everything else written above!
5. XTREME JFK CONSPIRACY JOKES!: Agent Douglas makes at least three quips about knowing who killed JFK. Unfortunately, since Agent Ross is shitty at protecting his partner from gunfire, the world may never know the real truth. Xtremely disappointing.
6. XTREME CONFUSION ABOUT THE INTERNET!: Understandably, the internet was in it's early stages of regular use when this film came out, although I'd like to think the CIA had a more comprehensive understanding of it at the time. Regardless, several agents make references to "...I checked the internet," "...I found it on the internet," "...the internet said," and so on. I guess the internet is where they found all those CLIFFHANGER clips.
7. XTREMELY LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DEAD SPOUSES!: As the old people wait in the stranded half-plane hoping for some kind of make believe rescue, Dr. Hunter and old lady get into long drawn out stories about their passed on past loves. REALLY get into. In fact, they apparently fall in love with each other while sharing anecdotes on what her dead husband's favorite bourbon was and how Dr. Hunter was never there for his dead wife. Xtremely hot dead spouse talk!
8. XTREMELY OLD STOCK FOOTAGE!: Not only does this movie use scenes straight out of other movies (some of which are are ten years old at the time of it's release), but it also uses stock footage of trains in motion, train stations and landscapes which are clearly from the 1970s-1980's! The film quality is visibly different and it becomes even more xtremely noticeable when the people at the train station are clearly dressed like it's 1982 and it's no big deal, meaning a crew of extras that happened to have just returned from an 80's party is out of the question. Xtremely lazy!
9. XTREME HISTORICAL INACCURACIES!: So, Tesla. One time, he built this thing and called it a "Death Ray." What does it do? Oh, it like, blows up people. Whatever. Go back to high school. It's in those books.
10. XTREMELY CONFLICTING STORIES!: According to the trailer, there is a doomsday device. According to the DVD packaging, it's highly sensitive explosives. According to both, Treat Williams is the star of the movie. According to the movie, that's not true. Xtremely confusing!
Times Douglas mentions JFK: 4
Borrowed Clips: 8-17
Mentions Of The Internet: 6
Random Possible Ethnic Slurs: 3
Amount Of Times Nicola Tesla Invented A Death Ray:
Dead Spouse Stories: 5
Successful Bear Traps: 0
Minutes Before Treat Williams Is On Screen: 23
Dummies Thrown Off Cliffs: 2
Death Ray Is Used: 2
Flashbacks: 3 or 4?
What Did You Say?: 7
Best Head Shot Ever Provided To The Internet By An Actor Starring In EXTREME LIMITS That Is Not Treat Williams: 1