|"Honey, hurry up before|
your dinner wakes up again!"
| Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of|
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.
Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible). Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien." Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)! Hooray! Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies! Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!
3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)
Starring(?): Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 5 out of 10
Kim Basinger plays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life. Yeah. What a bitch. Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to. Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste's Basingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.
|"What? This hat is like, all |
the rage on planet European Voguearth."
|Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as|
familiar with the busting of aliens.
2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)
Feminist Tagline: "Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis."
Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 8 out of 10
Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife. Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid. Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom. During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon. The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf. Like, seriously in real life. What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time. Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.
|At least you don't have to |
blow your bloated husband anymore?
1. Stepmonster (1993)
Feminist Tagline: "She's not just a bad mother. She's hazardous to your health!"
Starring(?): Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 10 out of 10
Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise. On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits. As in, growling and chewing bones. When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur). Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.
|Till your wife clawing you open|
and sucking your bones do you part.